Monday, October 25, 2010

omigosh, life is soooooo going to change...

I just read Sweetness of Salalah's post on codependents. I am one of those. Actually, I was one. I think, I have recovered. I can accept compliments, I know that I deserve a good life and happiness, and I have stopped seeing that I need to endure people that drag me through hell because pain/love are not interwoven unless of course, we are talking blood. Like family. Which you can't choose. But you can choose to have alternates as back-up for those times your family fail you. I am also expecting less of others, and making deicions without freaking. It is amazing. The old me is sometimes a stranger.
This weekend my life is REALLY going to change. I am cutting all ties with the past that are "not good views" and not puting up with people that make no effort to be in my life (except of course, my family). I also gaining a whole new family, complete with kids, and a tribe. Yes, a TRIBE. I may not fit 100% anywhere, but home is where the heart is, and my heart is here in Oman. If you are not happy where you are, life is too short. Go to the place where you think you have a better chance at happiness. Most people, when you ask them what they want to do most in this life, they've never done it. And that is sad. Ask yourself what you want to do. And then go and do it. I decided that I hated my old life. I couldn't stand it. My bones were numb with cold, my mind couldn't feel anymore, and I was a robot, living someone else's life, not mine, not what I'd envisioned mine to be, doing nothing that I wanted to do. So I did something. I bought a plane ticket, I bought a ticket, and I put everything that was worth keeping from my old life into a suitcase and a carry-on, and I began. From nothing. I struggled, I subsisted on lemons and dates plucked off of trees in my new 'hood while I waited for the stall in the pay cycle between two jobs, but I did it, and while not without help and the grace of God, Allah SWT, but on my own.
I made mistakes along the way too numerous to try and right. To those who love me and want to carry on knowing me anyways, you are my life's light, my heroes. Regret is not something I can do anymore. I will just try to do three goodnew things for every twinge of regret I feel, and maybe that will make the world a brighter place.

To the idiot who loves me, you are either crazy or a moron but, well, that makes me brave enough to try and deserve you. About love: No one ever deserves another's love when they truly love someone. All that they do to make that other person happy doesn't equal some sense of entitlement. But what a person does deserve, is to be able to love themself. If you don't love yourself then you will NEVER deserve someone else's love.

Fall in love with your life.

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